Stop Asking For A Man That You’re Not Ready For

"It’s not always that the person wasn’t right for you, maybe it’s that you weren’t right for them."

I’m sharing an oldie but goodie originally published in August 2015 on Write On Kiah that still feels relevant today. Enjoy.

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I go through periods of self-evaluation where I get real and ask myself, “Am I everything that I’m asking for?” If I’m asking to be blessed with a new opportunity, I question whether or not I’m also providing opportunities for others. If I’m asking for someone to come and speak into my life, I question whether or not I’m speaking to others on the level that I’m at. And if I’m asking to be positioned around like-minded people, I check my own actions to make sure that I’m the person that I want to be positioned around. I find it necessary because it’s easy to get off track. It’s easy to start wanting more than what you’re giving and to fall into this “me only” mentality out of emotional greed.

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of people openly sharing that they would like to have a partner: someone to go out with, cuddle with, and share their problems with whenever the need arises. Someone to rub their booties, feed their bellies and make them feel good when they’re not at their best. I don’t know if it’s because cuffing season is around the corner and people are anticipating those cold nights alone while their friends brag about their Netflix and Chill escapades, or if they’re genuinely looking for someone who will fall in love with them, flaws and all. But seeing these cries for love (or maybe lust) made me take another look at myself, and I wondered, why am I not asking for those things, too?

It’s not that I’m heartless or that I’ve sworn off the opposite sex because I’m on my “don’t want a man, don’t need a man” mantra, but because I’ve identified an imbalance that needs to be checked before I start asking for more deposits. Many of us claim we want somebody who’s an asset when we’re the ones who are liabilities.

We want someone to love us, take care of us, compliment us, and strengthen us when we don’t even do those things for ourselves. We ask for a partner with financial stability when we’re still living paycheck-to-paycheck, expecting them to elevate us from broke to boss instead of coming to the table with our own. We want someone who will be loving and affectionate but criticize ourselves for not being good enough, so they now have to go above and beyond to give what we should already have. We want someone to pour their half into our empty cups and then wonder why we are still only half full. It’s a backward mentality that leads to breakups and breakdowns that are sometimes irreparable.

It’s not always that the person wasn’t right for you, maybe it’s that you weren’t right for them. Just maybe you’re alone because you still have some internal work to do, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all have periods when we must go back in and fix things. During times of self-maintenance, you have to go offline because you are of no value to anybody until you’re repaired, otherwise, you’re putting others at risk of breaking down with you.

It’s not fair to ask someone to be your asset when you’re not in a place where you can make a return on their investment. So instead of asking for someone you’re not ready for, invest in yourself so that you don’t become a liability to others.