Residency Notes: A City Full of Eligible Men, Still No One Choosing
In a city built on power, intimacy is the hardest negotiation.
Residency Notes is a collection of scenes, reflections, and quiet realizations gathered while passing through cities that reveal more than they promise.
They call it Chocolate City.
Where good Black men with big bank accounts aren’t the exception, they’re the rule. They dip and dine in private membership clubs and swanky lounges, and swagger into speakeasies by the dozens—black trench coats and nubuck Chelsea boots clanking across the floors. You’re not the only one checking for him, but you’re the one who catches his attention. They flirt, you bat an eye, they offer a drink—you order a cabernet to keep it classy. Under dimmed lights and warm ambience, the conversation transitions from who you are and what you do to more soul-stirring topics—less business, more pleasure.
And the night carries on.
Afrobeats pour through speakers next to the DJ booth. He grabs your hand, bodies in rhythmic unison, and you decide after a few spins in that he’s your man for the night. Later, as the music dies down and the lights turn up, there’s an exchange of looks…and then numbers. Promises of connection after the sun rises dangle in the air. And it’s here, right where the story should begin, that we actually reach the climax. It only goes downhill from here.
But not before a date or two.
Conversations lately have dabbled between the kind of men that marry and the ones that meander. The more financially stable, the more willing and able to say, “I do.” So it’s no surprise that Washington, DC has come up a few times as a destination for dateable men of the marrying kind. Policy advisors and federal employees, lawyers, business execs—men with deep thoughts and big ideas, with evidence of execution and follow-through.
But in a city where meeting six-figure men is the norm, there’s an unspoken reality that exists: the presence of ambition doesn’t mean the absence of ambivalence.
And DC is no different.
The presence of ambition doesn’t mean the absence of ambivalence.
You see, men with money don’t mind spending it, and spending it well. There are no 50/50 debates, just well-planned dates in places that impress and inspire. With him, you can get the appetizer, main course, and dessert. It ain’t trickin’ if you got it.
Over endless text messages, FaceTimes, and wine-and-dines, the connection grows deeper. Compatibility high, chemistry elite. He knows that consistency is the key to getting you to drop your guard and lift your skirt, even if, unbeknownst to you, he’s already decided that this isn’t going to work.
But he’ll keep showing up anyway. It’s something to do. A respite from the stresses that quietly plague his life. He’s in a position of power, but feels powerless at work. He wants more than what his current situation offers, but he is responsible for everybody else around him. The woman who birthed him needs a bill paid. The woman he procreated with is demanding more of his days. His homeboy—who is a mess, quite frankly—is on his line with chaos yet again. He’s perceived as the stable one, so everybody takes, and nobody gives.
But you’re unaware of all these things causing him to spiral internally, so you carry on calling this man your future husband.
And then the shift happens.
The excuses pile up. “Work is getting crazy,” absolutes turn to maybes, and your requests for reciprocity start to feel like begging. When you do catch him—often at his convenience—he’s physically present, but his emotional intelligence is absent. He gets what he needs, but leaves you feeling like you’re the problem. Like you’re asking for too much. Like something in you must be lacking. The man you started falling for seems to be retreating backwards.
How did you end up in this situation again, after so many failed attempts?
You thought you learned your lesson before, and did the work to be a woman worth partnering with. You got back into the dating scene optimistic, and yet once again, you’re back scrolling through your feed, looking at everyone else’s seemingly good relationships.
So when friends from other cities (sadly experiencing the same thing) ask you how the dating scene is in DC, you meet them with a simple: don’t bother.
But truthfully, there are men ready for matrimony. But there are also men who confuse stability and attention with being intentionally ready. A man may choose to show up and have the means to show out, but that doesn’t mean he’s choosing you.
DC is many things, but it’s not a panacea for a healthy partnership. Abundance doesn’t replace intention. It just disguises its absence.
Omg !! This is a perfect way to describe the current DMV dating climate
though I met my husband in DC, this was my experience prior to him. completely. and the experience of a lot of my close friends. but I did learn that all the things people say men need before settling down is really what we tell ourselves in order to keep hope alive. there’s no magic. they is or they ain’t.