How Going Offline Is Helping Me Find Myself Again

A summer series where living meets liberation. For those who seek inspiration in everyday simplicity.

“I don’t know who I am anymore.” 

I wrote the words in my journal, paused, and considered scratching them out, for these aren’t words that would typically come out of my mouth. I don’t question the foundation of who I am—I’m quite clear on my morals, values, and who I am as a 30-something-year -old woman. But in this season of life, I can’t say that I’m clear about my place in this world. 

To the public eye, I appear to be this boss chick—a woman who has an idea and takes action to execute it. Who makes something out of nothing, and doesn’t let the trials of life keep me from triumph. And to an extent that is true, and I’m grateful that I have the desire to build a life that I love instead of finding excuses as to why what I desire can’t be achieved. 

But in the midst of sharing my wins and losses, what I haven’t shared is that a lot of those efforts weren’t because I strive to be the next Oprah. In fact, the idea of building a company and managing a team of people sounds quite draining to me. I would much rather be writing books from somewhere with a beautiful view, and have the ability to balance being a writer, and one day a wife and a mother. But long ago I accepted that the road to being creative doesn’t always come with financial gain, at least not immediately. And thus, I thought it wise to build a foundation that would allow me to have the freedom to create without compromise or stress as to how my bills would get paid.

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But I must confess that the last few years have taken a heavy toll on me.

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I’ve made deep sacrifices only to see little reward in an effort to make my life better. Plans carefully plotted have yet to come to fruition. Debt once cleared has once again accrued. And I find myself back in the same cycle that I so desperately have tried to get away from— a push and pull between what I have to do to survive and what I feel purposed to do to thrive. And it’s impacted everything in my life. It’s made it hard to operate in my fullness, and I find myself grasping at air in an attempt to grab hold of something that feels steady and secure. 

It’s in these seasons of uncertainty that many would throw in the towel. But as I reflected over these last few years, I realized that I’m right where I’m supposed to be—at a crossroads between the path that takes me back to where I started, repeating the cycle yet again. Or choosing a different road, one that requires different actions to get ahead to where I’m destined to be. 

Over the last couple of years I kept picking up my pen with the hope of sharing deep revelations and creative ruminations, but my words have felt forced. And if anyone happened to pay attention they, too, would’ve noticed that I haven’t quite been myself. A random post shared on my Instagram feed after months of silence only to return to the quiet again. Occasional posts to my blog. Declaring that I would use this platform to feed my fellow writers with knowledge, only to now be writing this. I chastised myself for the inconsistency, ignoring the fact that the lack of commitment isn’t a character flaw, but a symptom. 

I am burned out. And I am creatively depleted.

I keep trying to produce from an empty place instead of taking the time to fill my reservoirs. Being on social media further exacerbates the problem, as I feel a need to keep up with my fellow peers who are constantly curating. For some time now I’ve been saying that I need to get away, that I want to disappear until I’m ready to make a grand comeback. I think the key to knowing who I am in this season and what I’m truly supposed to be doing is to take a step back from all of the chaos and embrace the things that have been put aside in pursuit of financial freedom.

Before I closed my journal for the night, I wrote down a list of what it looks like if I were to go offline for the summer and limit my social media to no more than one hour a day. What would it be like if I didn’t feel pressured to post, and instead just lived in the moment? What if I used my downtime for something other than working on the next idea, or creating another job for myself? As my list grew longer I felt a tinge of excitement at the thought of simply living. I still desire to write, but instead of a predetermined topic I want it to be from where I’m at that moment in time, not where I hope to be, or where I once was. 

It was at that moment that the idea of Offline came to me. I want to spend the summer focusing on the things that bring me joy. I want to experience what ease feels like and get back to the root of who I am without the pressures and distractions of having a constant online presence. I want to give God the space to speak and tell me where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do instead of trying to define it for myself. And I want to bring you with me along the way, sharing my reflections and offering a glimpse into a life unburdened by constant updates and endless scrolling. A summer vacation, if you will.

I’m not sure what to expect as a result of this, but I do hope that this step back will allow me to step into my fullness. I look forward to what’s revealed during this time of stillness.